i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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