Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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