Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
