It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
