I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize