and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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