I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
