He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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