I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
