Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
