I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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