I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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