Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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