You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
