Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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