Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
