On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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