the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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