Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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