listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
