So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In other news, I just burned my penis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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