Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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