Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
