You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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