It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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