Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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