I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
