haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
pray to the hookup gods
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
