I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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