i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
