So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
