I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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