I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
MIDGETS
????
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
