I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize