i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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