I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
