Pants 0. Shit 1.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need to calm my uterus...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
