Define "chronic" masturbator.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize