Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
