o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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