Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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