his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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