he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
