i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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