So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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