I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
