I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
