My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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