dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
