Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
