When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
