would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
