she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
