At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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