My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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