found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
