if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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