we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
