Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
