I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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