she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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