i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
